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Leaving DXMP Forever


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DeathDragon
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Leaving DXMP Forever - Postby DeathDragon » 01 Jun 2019, 03:24


My username used to be DeathDragon and I started playing in 2011. I was online mostly from 2011-2014 but came back briefly later in 2016 (very brief). Im writing this because im leaving DXMP forever. Noone is probably here who knew me then anyway.

When I was 11 I was shy about going to high school and lost contact with everyone from before, I had no friends in or out of school and thought DXMP seemed a great idea since most players were older; I was scared of people my own age but worse online with teens being more themselves and acting how they really wanted to. In hindsight this was a bad idea since it became a habit and being online all the time I couldn’t tell what teens my age were doing in their own time (people seemed so varied and different online compared to irl). I used to play almost exclusively in fun servers whenever possible and just did it for the chat, I did hang in fight servers when no fun servers were available but didnt really like DXMP and just tried to generate conversation as much as possible (fight seemed boring to me). I usually was in community fun servers such as A-TO where everyone knew each other and was practically a member of whatever the current one was whenever I was playing (e.g. I was regularly on b-dawg’s server and had admin access most of the time/except when he banned me). I created fake usernames and acted in different personas attempting to convince people they were real players (because I was weird), the best one was RedFox.. if you remember me i tried to convince players I was an actual fox and kept saying weird things like "naranjaspyro hurt me" and acting slightly pervy, noone believed he was a fox but later I found many players actually believed he was a different person to NaranjaSpyro and DeathDragon because his personality was so convincing x_x.

In the first two years I managed to get my server on the list and felt so proud +more proud since players I knew/liked more joined it. Plus I remember playing Funline-UnlimitedParty-3 in singleplayer wishing it could be online all the time and fantasised about actual players being there with me and having admin powers etc (when it happened it felt like the best thing that happened to me so far). I loved mods and fun-maps, I liked mods that added things that let you do cool stuff like boxguns, spraypaints etc (I always wanted these on my server but could never find them). I didnt know anything about computers though/parents thought it was dangerous to host a server.. I broke the home router many times failing to open the right ports. I sort of learned to make (very bad) maps and useless mods without custom code (e.g. rocket pistol), I think I completed nearly all of the tutorials on Tack's Lab (felt like a genius when texturing a door worked/after many failed tries it actually swung open normally).. good times.

As DeathDragon I sort of joined zXc clan; I asked if I could join on the forum and they said yes. All I wanted was to wear a clan tag in-game because it seemed cool, I wasnt really a proper member as I never played with any of them but briefly sent a few messages on their forum (and almost got banned for posting a self-reopening bat file saying it was a mod installer). I got in trouble many times, I was too shy to try anything other than DXMP but got sick of it and started misbehaving x_x. The worst was getting AdvBanned from Karky's fun server which I thought was the best place ever.. the ban lasted years until her server finally went down and she left DXMP. I also got AdvBanned in either the FGS or A!B servers which was a massive blow. I thought about asking for unbans in the forums many times but seeing so much swearing I was scared of receiving lots of awkward replies that would never disappear like the small chat-window in dx and that I could regret what I said in future. I used to wait ages for players to come on and did nothing else in the meantime other than watch youtube (no hobbies outside of DXMP).

In real life things werent going well, im not exaggerating that I had no other friends my own age (didnt talk to anyone my own age except in class grouptasks). I had issues and didnt really do anything/still felt like a kid. The situation felt wrong like it shouldnt have been that way, DXMP was escapism. When I turned 12 it was starting to feel depressing, worse DXMP had periods where it died and noone was online.. servers like CozmoRPG and CageMatch were a lifeline and I waited longer than you could imagine for players to join; at weekends maybe entire days if I managed to finish the homework on friday (which I usually did, if not on sunday id be finishing off nervously checking the list or getting anxious seeing someone thinking they would leave before I was done). i mean lifeline because it was either those or fight servers. I never got the point of 0Aug because it seemed like removing the only thing that made DXMP unique (a game about nanoaugmented humans...), I guessed it was just because nostalgic old players getting together wanting to show off their years of experience but it wasnt for me at all (I hated it). I dont remember exactly how many times DXMP died but the deaths usually lasted for many weeks or months, sometimes there were only fight servers, sometimes there would be one rpg server (e.g. zombies, cozmorpg, cagematch) around many fight servers and players who also seemed to play these more than fight servers (i made some friends but they didnt come online often). This was how it was for months, but eventually the A-TO server came back(seeing it online made me feel sane). Being on A-TO I really just acted like I did when I was 11 pretending to be more than one person and chatting lots and warping around maps with cheats (usually everyone spawning lots of modded items over any fun map you could think of/items from many mods at once). This would have been completely great except the owner B-Dawg used it to send abuse setting me up so I would keep coming back to the clan (I had nothing else to do), at first I was in the wrong for acting like I was 3 people (I just liked doing it) but he kept saying im not real then saying im real alternating so many times. We would be fine for ages and id do nothing wrong except the persona thing which he knew I was doing and suddenly turn on me saying he had put keyloggers on my computer (I thought my parents would blame me for it if something went wrong but couldnt tell them since I was acting weird with the multi-user things and acting suggestive with the redfox name.. sometimes parents used my pc to log into things when the other pc wasnt working), saying he would make members hate me (I believed he could do that even though it wasnt really possible) such as budderball who was a really nice player, saying I was lying and im actually a girl, with awareness that I liked pretending to be more than one person he used it to abuse me/knew id keep coming back.. he also started going infront of players when I was acting saying im fake and even calling me homosexual because of what I said when I was acting as redfox (I liked other boys when I was a teen). I didnt tell anyone and felt isolated.. I dont care anymore but it was a sick thing to do to a 12 year old kid since he was likely much older. Just to clarify I didnt say anything that was actually sexual as redfox plus when I was him I was a kind but nervous player (many players liked him because he was so friendly).. anyway screw that creepy psychopath b-dawg/labradorretriever. I spent almost a year of that and my parents never found out (they know now).

In late 2012 I heard about minecraft in DXMP and didnt think much of it, but when I checked it out I was shocked to find it wasnt just some joke world simulator but was actually like a real life simulator (but not), since I was a kid I thought it was impossible to make a real world simulator because it would take too much processing for each atom or whatever. I just thought how on earth didnt I realise this existed before... I felt left out because teens younger than me had been playing it and it seemed weird to suddenly start playing a G rated game. At first I didnt get it but with playing it I quickly found the way the world is and the way you figure out how to do things was shockingly like real life, I quickly got better and just left DXMP to play mc servers (however I was shy and went on ones with barely any players at first e.g. less than 10). I tried many servers but eventually I ended up playing on virtually one server and knew everyone there. I know its weird to say this but I unintentionally saw every episode of iCarly from the pilot in 2008 when i was still at primary school to the last one in late november 2012, I kept watching the show even though I wasnt a kid anymore, it made me feel old (I also kept watching kids cartoons on nick and cartoon network). In 2013 I played minecraft almost exclusively, I came back to DXMP occasionally but usually went back to mc in about a week. The year went by quickly but my irl situation hadnt changed at all, also I felt safer talking to people by text instead of face-to-face which didnt help and I used multiple accounts/personas over there as well (I used the names redfox and naranjaspyro but their personalities ended up different to the ones I made in DXMP). I felt bad about being 13 and was scared about turning 14 since it seemed that it was normal to be more mature at that age, plus lessons at school would be about the final exams which scared me to death (I didnt feel ready to face it). By the end of the year I felt dead inside and wished I hadnt spent so much of my youth procrastinating.

In 2014 it seemed impossible to make friends since I had no social experience and everyone had sort of moved on from being an early teen (whereas I never even left the house unless my parents forced me to go walking with them). Before 2014, with irl issues all I wanted to do was pretend I could escape irl issues by playing DXMP/specific small minecraft servers where mostly all I did was talk alot and act like I was still a kid (I wanted to be) and felt comfortable since most of the players were approximately the same age as me, once I got the hang of mc I didnt really do much but chat for hours and mess around in the few peaceful/no-kill servers I was used to. I started jumping around random servers (e.g. plotme ones) and soon came back to DXMP near the start of the year. Life didnt feel different than the other years except the anxiety that I was nearing exams and DXMP stopped feeling like an escape but just felt isolating like a sad icon of how I was acting (avoiding life as I became older) I felt very anxious and alone wherever I was and nothing worked that previously prevented this, eventually I felt like I didnt have enough energy to play DXMP or do anything and literally just watched TV (I grew out of cartoons by this point). Time felt like it was going faster and each day felt the same. Sometimes I would just go to my room, close the curtains and stare at my computer screen doing nothing or listening to tracks from games I used to have as a kid. I lost track of time, eventually I was scared to talk to people even online and felt like I couldnt handle it. DXMP seemed hopeless like it always did but I didnt have the energy to try and turn it into a chatroom and I felt like I couldnt go back to minecraft since making new friends was too hard since people act so energetic online. I spent months doing nothing but coming back from school and doing nothing (except quickly finishing homework before the weekeend), each Saturday my parents would make me go walking with them but I never wanted to, I just wanted to have a break from busy places feeling like everyone was watching me. Plus sunday just made me feel anxious that the very next day would be horrible.. since I was 11 because of the issues I couldnt walk around the school at breaks like anyone else so I never got to make friends/didnt know anyone barely, the issues also made it so in each lesson I was 'supported' (watched every second) so some nutter would jump in whenever I tried to talk to anyone and make me look like im stupid or something, it felt like I couldnt talk to anyone normally with some random adult standing next to me invading it (I had no friends at all other than myself in 2014). I had given up trying by this point and talking to 'supports' made me anxious, in this year I barely talked at all even to them. Home used to feel like an escape from school but it felt so mundane and static like I was doing the same thing over and over again.

In 2015 I felt more dead than in 2014, then in 2016 it got so close to exams I was terrified. I came back to DXMP with the name 'Wicked' and did mild trolling in the {13} servers using Kai's spraypaint mod to paint dirty things, using dirty usernames, saying dirty things, convincing players to stand in corners so I could send them dirty messages (and getting kicked or banned for it) etc. It was a stupid choice. I passed nearly everything at highschool and felt shocked id managed it x_x, I did nothing in the break after finishing and was still afraid of other people generally, all I did was watch tv again thinking will the anxieties that built up over the nearly 1 decade of school ever go away. At least it couldnt get worse?

I had the grades to sign up for A levels but my parents virtually forced me to do a vocational course since they thought I would get too anxious being in large classes for 5 days each week, instead trying to make me do an easier but lower-value IT course that only required Cs in English and Math.. I got mostly Cs and Bs in everything and felt like id wish I hadn’t bothered being anxious trying to get the grades to do a real college course :smt010 :. I tried to tell them but they said because of social anxiety at high school I couldn’t handle 5 days a week at a college. I should have been more assertive but I wasn’t. The course was awful not because of what it was but because of how bad the class was. When we were working lecturers would often edit people's work documents giving 'advice' (literally writing onto their work documents saying to leave whatever they wrote on the page). It wasn’t legit because someone had an unfinished document at the end of a class and a lecturer swooped in to type a large chunk of text into a paragraph and said "Now it meets the criteria, you can go now" x_x. This happened so many times even to me once, also people being told to copy bits from each other with the lecturer saying "make it sound different". Sometimes I wasn’t 100% sure who's work I was writing my name on weekly. I’m not exaggerating how much they did things like this, at the end of each lesson no one could leave until they had checked over everyone's work so it was impossible not to leave with something new(or 3 new paragraphs) added. I didn’t want to hand in work that wasn’t mine so I often waited until the end of lessons (there usually weren’t enough computers available in breaks) so I checked over work at home to make sure it met all the criteria (many times lecturers said work was 'ok to hand in' but only passed/could get higher) and sounded like I had wrote it x_x. Sometimes it wasnt even possible to get full criteria because it needed info they hadn't taught us from the course textbook although most of them said to everyone to 'finish work before the end of classes not at home'. Sometimes it was impossible to tweak work in my own time because a group of three lectuers who often suddenly set unexpected assignments on the college site which finished when the lesson they were set in finished and saying to just copy work from lesson tasks they set before which were similar to actual assignments, because of this i missed marking points i could have got if we were allowed to use textbooks in the classes (many times I had to secretly view it on my screen when they weren’t grabbing my keyboard for fucks sake); one time many people were home sick and we were in a small class, they could see everyone's screens and stopped me writing although id copied everything from these tasks, I didn’t get the extra criteria in so just passed it. This is wrong since the course book said we would have a minimum of a week for each assignment (x_x).

Most classmates were anti-social in a crazy way I hadn’t seen even at high school, at the start of nearly every lesson everyone would swear and say dumb offensive phrases to get attention, lecturers ignored them or sometimes just stopped classes because of them and told EVERYONE in the class off, not just the individuals who did it but everyone just like high school classes (which only encouraged them to take advantage at the next opportunity). So many things happened, people suddenly playing youtube at full volume, phoning people when lecturers were talking to everyone and said to listen. Someone threw a chair when the lecturer was out, someone else started smoking when the lecturers left the room, people sent weird mass-mail emails to everyone usually rude or offensive (I received 3 that were addressed to every student in the building saying 'person-in-my-class IS homosexual LOL!!!!!!' followed by some stupid image). No one got kicked off the course, if they did there would only be 3 people left in the class including me. No one got sent out of the classes or anything they just blamed everyone like we were a mob. Most of the class refused to work most of the time and seemed to have been there just because it was mandatory at that age. I hated being there and nearly everyone who was there but was actually scared of failing. Feeling like I was achieving less on the course than most people in the college who were doing normal courses bothered me a lot and made me feel inferior. The lecs treated the class like they were idiots because barely anyone was concentrating on what they were saying and just playing with the computers instead even when they were talking, the lecturers even treated me like that although I NEVER did anything wrong. It made me want to die. I wanted to drop out quick but was scared parents would be mad about it so I waited until it was too late. I think my parent's logic that I would be too anxious with more than 3 days was screwed up, all the course did was make me want to get some art scissors and see what happened if I dug them into my wrist. The course was very basic and nothing like what I read A levels were like, assignments consisted of questions like 'What are the benefits of computer mice over other forms of input and list them'. It’s apparently equivalent to 3 A-Levels but with looking at the specs for those I don’t get how, compared to those the course looks stupid and misses so many topics from the other. Thats how it seems to have ended for me, I finished the course with almost the highest grade possible but not due to the lesson where the lecs suddenly set an assignment where I couldn’t get all the criteria because they said to copy work from tasks instead of do more work (they made it impossible to get the max score). I had no friends during college even online (I didnt talk to anyone except parents or anyone I needed to/was isolated). weirdly out of everything not having a sex drive from anxiety and feeling like I missed out on sex things generally is the main thing that makes me feel bad. , was too shy/afraid to chat even online, im a virgin but worse since ive had no sex drive I havent even seen porn at all (even though its weird im envious of anyone who has). Used to be horny all the time as a teen. I lost my mind and just took 2019 as a 'gap year' because I didnt know what to do anymore (options limited due to how the course was) where I have done nothing important at all and still have no friends, im jealous of anyone who had better teen years or anyone who didnt get pushed into the wrong college course despite passing everything at highschool. Finally, it feels like there is no point in life, im pointless everything is bad/bad things happen everywhere in other countries people are tortured or experimented on every minute and all im sad about is my useless life going wrong. Im noone and existing will probably never benefit anyone since im just an awkward nutter.

I doubt anyone I knew in DXMP back in 2011-14 will see this message, im just leaving it because it feels better than just vanishing.


-DeathDragon
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Re: Leaving DXMP Forever - Postby anax » 01 Jun 2019, 15:44


yeetus deletus

Spoiler:
on a realistic note: get some help, dude. JFC


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Re: Leaving DXMP Forever - Postby RodNeySaLaMi » 01 Jun 2019, 16:46


Sad if true. But we're still young. Ain't no standards that matter, life is existing any way you can while society is a bunch of people trying to be the same thing. Don't compare yourself to anyone and you will find your own providence.


Kojak~Spifo wrote: You know amidst all the nonsense, Darko actually has a point.l The game was originally played with no more than 60 fps if that back in the old days. Nobody had renderers that could go to 100 fps back then it was a big deal to get 60 in 2002. So I think newer players just take high fps from other games for granted, but DX doesn't have a ways to properly compensate clientside vs serverside framerates and speed.

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Re: Leaving DXMP Forever - Postby <-(DD)->Darko » 03 Jun 2019, 20:03


Hello Death Dragon.

May I ask you what exactly you think its wrong with you? Ok I will say to you some basic facts:

1. Most new age kids just hang out around games anyway, they dont like sports or play outside anyway........ So do not think you lost anything, most kids go out at weekends, or something, so you didnt LOST so much as you think.

2. Yes you should talk to people, but good people, wrong people would just wreck you up, because in bad company you would try to fit in, and trust me you do NOT WANT to fit in, you need to find someone that likes you as you are.

3. Trying to be more people, well more people (not just you) did it in this game, so youre not only one. But dont worry, I hardly believe anyone actually does grudge to you.

Note: People in this game did way worse things to me and other people that knew me than you ever did to anyone. If your crime is to be more people, thats still better than cheat and insult people with other usernames as some did to me.

4. Having no sex till year 20, dude, many people did not have sex till 20 or more. Some want to find right person, so you worry too much. Relax and talk normally to people. Dont be scared, well we live in weird world with weird people, but there are cool people.

If you talk to someone and he says metabolic end product, just turn around and dont be sad and dont think on that...... Aint worth, next second is new second, next day is new day, dont think how bad past day was, think how cool next day will be or CAN BE. Do your best, dont give up.

I was competitive people never liked me much, but man I am here, I live, I train, I am more and more proud on me, and I played tons of DX instead to be outside. Still I have no problems to talk to people.

Mayb I give you advice? Try to find part time job, that will make you talk to people, maybe some job where people order pizza or something, something easy where you mostly find good people. Or maybe job in clothes store or something? That will give you confidence and people are mostly polite when shoping on fency places.

Just tips. And *love* it man dont think on scissors or some metabolic end product, stay cool and positive, you have only one life.

What have you missed? Drinking, going out? Bro, you are in 20's, you can still go out, drink, get girl, man youre talking like its too late, bro youre superyoung, dont drama, get some easy job, talk to people, then go TO BEST collage you can pass, do it, believe in yourself, let parents be proud on you, AND THEN GET SOME kickass job and be proud and happy.

Girls will come, sometimes when you dont expect, just stay positive, make your days happy, smile, be happy, be positive, do things you like, and most important be yourself.

You dont need 20 characters to be loved. People who dont like you when you act normal are just not people to who you want to talk. If you dont do anything bad, and someone is rood to you, DONT get another nickname, just move awqay and talk to other person because people who insult are just not worth.

As far as I see isolation is your own problem, that can be solved, you worry too much, stay smart, stay calm, smile, be happy, wake up every day happy and do good things, people say to good people good things happen, so be good person and god will give you good things.

And dont say crap, I know you probably since day 1 you joined to this game, and you were just fine with me. Please no drama :)

Deus Ex never died, maybe I am not every day online but I was always around, specially at 2011, 2012 and 2013, even after that I played quite a lot, so DX never died :)

Youre welcome man and stay positive, work hard, do good things, and good things will happen to you. Sometimes you have to work hard and do little steps in order to start making big steps with time. That is how usually works, give yourself time, and man youre still young, stay strong and be smart.

All best.


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Re: Leaving DXMP Forever - Postby RodNeySaLaMi » 05 Jun 2019, 07:02


That's the society schema I mentioned to a tee ^


Kojak~Spifo wrote: You know amidst all the nonsense, Darko actually has a point.l The game was originally played with no more than 60 fps if that back in the old days. Nobody had renderers that could go to 100 fps back then it was a big deal to get 60 in 2002. So I think newer players just take high fps from other games for granted, but DX doesn't have a ways to properly compensate clientside vs serverside framerates and speed.

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Re: Leaving DXMP Forever - Postby Kaiden » 19 Jun 2019, 02:29


It's interesting what other individuals got out of Deus Ex. I played it daily for years, and when I wasn't playing it I was posting about it on forums. I feel I learned a lot about human interaction, using the internet in general, toughening up to hate, troubleshooting, writing/language skills and more. Maybe I could have been outside playing football but I enjoyed what I contributed for the betterment of the community, and I still use what I learned. From ages 18-21 I dossed around in a similar manner on games etc but that wasn't sustainable; I learned to drive and applied for jobs until I got one I liked.

I remember the name Wicked although like you said it was mostly for trolling. It's interesting seeing the other side of AdvBan you don't consider when developing a server mod; ultimately it was needed because dynamic IP's were rampant, but it's a shame hosts used it as a permanent unwavering deterrent. I'm an avid believer in reform and pretty anti-permanent punishment, but I can imagine you were given plenty of chances on those servers you loved playing. I'd have suggested appealing them, I was anxious of forums at first and posted some dumb stuff, but you always read worse than what you write yourself.

Anyway my advice would be to keep yourself busy where you can, there's more than DXMP out there.


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Re: Leaving DXMP Forever - Postby anax » 20 Jun 2019, 02:11


Kaiden wrote:keep yourself busy where you can, there's more than DXMP out there.

THIS ^
try to forget about deus ex and do something else


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